Today’s issue of best relaxation techniques deals with anger management.

And here’s today’s technique for managing your anger: Count to 90. The old saying is that you should count to 10, but it’s actually 90. In 90 seconds your anger will be gone unless you choose to command yourself to stay angry. Staying angry, in other words, is hard work.

You can verify this “90 second rule” by reading a fascinating book called “My Stroke of Insight” by Jill Taylor Bolte. Dr. Bolte was a brain scientist at Harvard Medical School, “performing research and teaching young professionals about the brain.”

In December of 1996, Jill had a stroke that left her unable to perform the simplest physical or mental tasks. It took eight years for her to completely recover. In her book, Dr. Bolte shares the remarkable insights she gained from her stroke (watch the video below. It’s worth 20 minutes of your life).

Dr. Bolte points out that “Although there are certain limbic (emotional) programs that can be triggered automatically, it takes less than 90 seconds for one of these programs to be triggered, surge through our body and then be completely flushed out of our bloodstream.” In other words, anger (or for that matter, fear, sadness and anxiety) is produced by chemicals (neurotransmitters) surging through our bodies. These chemicals dissipate within 90 seconds. In order to feel a strong emotion beyond this initial 90 seconds, we have to consciously choose to continue to experience anger.

I had a direct experience of this the other day as I was driving home down a two-lane road with very little traffic. At one point, the road curved and another road intersected the one I was on. The speed limit into the curve went from 50 miles per hour to 30 because there was no stop sign where the roads intersected and it was impossible to see beyond the curve.

Just as I was coming into the curve, a car coming from the other direction in the curve passed in front of me, heading towards the intersecting road, without slowing down or even seeming to acknowledge that we were within a few feet of colliding. Fortunately, I had reduced my speed and had avoided what would have been a devastating accident.

My limbic system went into overdrive. I was furious. My heart was racing. In my imagination, I chased down that driver, forced him (or her, I wasn’t sure) to the side of the road and screamed my rage into his/her face. In my mind, I could see that driver cowering and afraid of me.

Then I remembered Doctor Bolte and her anger management insight. The initial (90 second) experience of anger was gone, but I was literally commanding myself to keep it alive. Why did I do this?

According to Dr. Bolte, “when we feel intense negative emotions like anger, jealousy or frustration…(we feel) strong and powerful” (she seemed to be talking directly to me). She continued, “I have known people who consciously choose to exercise their anger circuitry on a regular basis simply because it helps them remember what it feels like to be themselves.”

In other words, certain feelings are so familiar to us that, if we don’t experience them, we feel as though we’re not “being ourselves.”

Dr. Bolte concludes by saying, “For all those years of my life, I really had been a figment of my own imagination.” When we feel anger beyond 90 seconds, we are all “figments of our imaginations” and, therefore, creating our own suffering. As I recall reading somewhere, while pain may be inevitable, suffering is optional.

So the best anger management technique may simply be a matter of arithmetic: Count to 90.

“Stories of the future can be very fearful. And to live right here, right now, is always where you are supported.”

Byron Katie (http://www.thework.com/index.asp)

 Many people have difficulty relaxing because of money, relationship and/or career worries.

 But consider: There is literally nothing to worry about. If you’re worried, it’s because you regret something you did in the past or you’re concerned about what might happen in the future. Both are, as a Buddhist might say, no thing. Nothing.  They don’t exist. As the (Buddhist?) singer Conway Twitty reminds us, “It’s only make believe.”

 The difference between children and adults is that children know when they’re playing “make believe.” Many adults don’t.

 It’s the stories you tell yourself about the future that worry you, not the future itself. The future can’t worry you. It hasn’t happened yet…except in your imagination. You create your experience through your imagination, but imagine that the experience is creating you.

Consider the possibility that the quality of your life is determined by what you say, to others or to yourself. For example:

Do you talk about your complaints or exciting possibilities?

Do you talk about what’s wrong or what’s right?

Do you talk about what you lack or what you are grateful for?

Do you talk about regrets and fears or pleasures and delights?

Every time you talk about the items before the “or” in the sentences above, you are creating that very life for yourself. Change what you talk about (to yourself and others) and you will change your life.

 It is, literally, that simple. People have known this secret well before the book “The Secret” was written. The first verse of The Bible contains the phrase, “In the beginning was The Word” (what you say) and the 14^th verse reminds us that, “the word became flesh” (what you say creates what you have).

 In 2009, this has come down to us as, “Be careful what you wish for, you may get it” to which I would amend, “Be careful what you say, you will experience it. “

 So relax. There is, literally, no thing to worry about…unless you say otherwise.

Do you want to be happier, more relaxed, less stressed and anxious than you are? It’s simple. Choose happiness. Consider the possibility that happiness doesn’t depend on a bigger bank account, thinner thighs or a larger house. Happiness is an independent variable.

“But, you’re wrong,” I can hear you arguing. “I’m happy when I see my children and sad when I don’t. I’m happy when I’m in a relationship and unhappy when I’m not.  I’m happy when I get on the scale and I’ve lost 5 pounds and unhappy when I’m not. I’m happy when the sun shines and I can eat outdoors and unhappy when it rains and I can’t. I’m happy when the stock market goes up and unhappy when it goes down. I’m happy when people smile at me and unhappy when they don’t.”

But consider this: Your children, relationships, weight, outdoor versus indoor meals, the stock market and people smiling at you have NOTHING to do with your happiness. You’ve simply chosen to be happy in those situations and credited the situation for your happiness instead of your choice.

I know this may sound strange. You may have spent a lifetime thinking that your circumstances are the cause of your happiness. They’re not.

Still doubt it? Okay. Time for a pop quiz: Which will make you happier: Winning 3.14 million dollars in the lottery or…becoming a paraplegic and losing the use of your legs?

Crazy question, right? Of course, you’d be euphoric if you won the lottery and depressed, perhaps even suicidal, if you were paraplegic. Right?

Harvard professor of psychology Daniel Gilbert, in his book “Stumbling On Happiness,” would beg to differ: While initially, of course, the lottery winner is euphoric, one year later, the winner of the lottery and the paraplegic are equally happy. (Skeptical? Watch a video below of Gilbert talking about this).

Perhaps you play the “if only” game, comparing now to then, the past to the present, the present with an imagined future, fantasizing things like,  “If only I had more money, were 20 years younger, were completely out of debt and lived in (fill in a place) instead of (fill in a place) everything would be great.”  

Do you recall how everything was going to be great when you graduated from 8th grade? Graduated high school? Went to college? Got a job? Made your own money? Were in a committed relationship? Owned a home? Had children? Could retire?

How’s it working out? Everything perfect? Are you as happy as you thought you would be? You are if you’re choosing to be happy and you’re not if you’re not.

So if you’re want to be happier, more relaxed, less stressed and anxious than you are, there’s one thing you must do: Every time you want to complain about something, express gratitude for that very thing.

For example, in the traffic jam, be grateful that you have time to yourself. When you’re not in a relationship, be glad that you can choose to do exactly what you want to do without having to consider anyone else. When the stock market goes down, be grateful because it’s a sure sign that it will eventually go back up again and it’s a buying opportunity. If you don’t have as much money as you would like, be grateful for what you do have (look around you. I’ll bet you have more possessions than you actually need).

Finally, remember the words of Carlos Castaneda in his book, A Separate Reality:

“The trick is in what one emphasizes. We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same.”

With best wishes,

Larry