Do you want to be happier, more relaxed, less stressed and anxious than you are? It’s simple. Choose happiness. Consider the possibility that happiness doesn’t depend on a bigger bank account, thinner thighs or a larger house. Happiness is an independent variable.

“But, you’re wrong,” I can hear you arguing. “I’m happy when I see my children and sad when I don’t. I’m happy when I’m in a relationship and unhappy when I’m not.  I’m happy when I get on the scale and I’ve lost 5 pounds and unhappy when I’m not. I’m happy when the sun shines and I can eat outdoors and unhappy when it rains and I can’t. I’m happy when the stock market goes up and unhappy when it goes down. I’m happy when people smile at me and unhappy when they don’t.”

But consider this: Your children, relationships, weight, outdoor versus indoor meals, the stock market and people smiling at you have NOTHING to do with your happiness. You’ve simply chosen to be happy in those situations and credited the situation for your happiness instead of your choice.

I know this may sound strange. You may have spent a lifetime thinking that your circumstances are the cause of your happiness. They’re not.

Still doubt it? Okay. Time for a pop quiz: Which will make you happier: Winning 3.14 million dollars in the lottery or…becoming a paraplegic and losing the use of your legs?

Crazy question, right? Of course, you’d be euphoric if you won the lottery and depressed, perhaps even suicidal, if you were paraplegic. Right?

Harvard professor of psychology Daniel Gilbert, in his book “Stumbling On Happiness,” would beg to differ: While initially, of course, the lottery winner is euphoric, one year later, the winner of the lottery and the paraplegic are equally happy. (Skeptical? Watch a video below of Gilbert talking about this).

Perhaps you play the “if only” game, comparing now to then, the past to the present, the present with an imagined future, fantasizing things like,  “If only I had more money, were 20 years younger, were completely out of debt and lived in (fill in a place) instead of (fill in a place) everything would be great.”  

Do you recall how everything was going to be great when you graduated from 8th grade? Graduated high school? Went to college? Got a job? Made your own money? Were in a committed relationship? Owned a home? Had children? Could retire?

How’s it working out? Everything perfect? Are you as happy as you thought you would be? You are if you’re choosing to be happy and you’re not if you’re not.

So if you’re want to be happier, more relaxed, less stressed and anxious than you are, there’s one thing you must do: Every time you want to complain about something, express gratitude for that very thing.

For example, in the traffic jam, be grateful that you have time to yourself. When you’re not in a relationship, be glad that you can choose to do exactly what you want to do without having to consider anyone else. When the stock market goes down, be grateful because it’s a sure sign that it will eventually go back up again and it’s a buying opportunity. If you don’t have as much money as you would like, be grateful for what you do have (look around you. I’ll bet you have more possessions than you actually need).

Finally, remember the words of Carlos Castaneda in his book, A Separate Reality:

“The trick is in what one emphasizes. We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same.”

With best wishes,

Larry

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